I’m currently going through a kind of grieving process, not for someone who has passed, but for someone who is fading away. My mother, who recently turned 90, has some form of dementia and is slowly transforming into a very different person. The person she once was is now barely visible, and I find myself grieving her absence. Since grieving is such a universal human experience, I thought I might explore this experience, with full mindful awareness in this week’s post.

As I turn my attention towards the experience of grief, the first thing I notice is the pushing away of reality. There is a very definite “NO!” quality present in grief. My usual mindful, whole-hearted embrace of all that is coming up is replaced by very strong rejection of this particular experience.

I also notice that I’m kind of bracing myself for the inevitable shock that is coming. It’s like I’ve been driving along a busy highway and I realize that I haven’t fastened my seatbelt, so I quickly buckle up. I want to be ready when the crash happens.

Looking more deeply, I notice a very different aspect to my grieving, one which is almost the opposite of bracing myself – I am softening. I am more vulnerable and that vulnerability is also a kind of preparation. I don’t know Aikido, but it seems to me that when this blow strikes me with full force, I’ll be better off if I yield to it rather than trying to firmly stand my ground.

Then, of course, there are the emotions. We don’t all go through the five stages of grief in the same order (if we experience them at all), so this is an exploration of my unique emotional response to the loss of my mother.

The strongest emotion by far that I’m experiencing at the moment is gratitude. Very few of my friends still have a parent alive, so having my mom still here, even if her lucid moments are few, is a wonderful gift. Her frequent “disappearances” make those moments even more precious. And of course, there is the appreciation for all that this woman has done for me, all she has given me over the course of my life.

Alongside the gratitude is sadness. Her fading away is leaving a hole in my life. Something is missing. That something has meant so much to me: being loved, feeling safe, being cared for. The sadness is deep and wide. It washes over me like an ocean wave. And it hurts. The pain is as real as any physical pain.

This is mindful grieving, at least for me, right now. When you inevitably experience your own version of grief, may you remember to turn toward it with mindful awareness.